Spiritual Perspectives
Why?

Copyright © 2008
Gallup Independent

By Linda Rounds-Nichols
Special to the Independent

There’s an old song that includes the questions, why does the sun go on shining… why to the birds go on singing… why….. The singer doesn’t understand how the world can go on when she is feeling the pain of grief and loss. This question and the bewilderment we feel can be with us at any time of year, but it seems stronger during the holidays.

December is definitely a time of religious and cultural days. Ranging from Islam’s Hajj and Hijra Muharram, Buddhism’s Bodhi Day, the Jewish observation of Hanukkah, the pagan/Wiccan celebration of Yule, the Christian’s Christmas, the secular Christmas, the African-American Kwanzaa to the various Native American celebrations, we are surrounded by the holidays. These holidays come each year, as we all know — but when one is grieving, they are almost like a slap in the face. The commercials show families, but perhaps now there is an empty place at your table. You see couples shopping, but your partner is gone. Someone is excited about a new pet, but your pet just died. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Good Yule — but you are far from merry, happy, nor feeling good. Back to the words of the song … “Don’t they know it’s the end of the world….”

They do, but as a wonderful children’s book called “Tear Soup” points out, people get over the losses of others much quicker than those of us who have experienced the loss. They have, like the sun and the birds, returned to normal, but when we’ve had a loss, we will never return to that old normal.

So, what can we do? Forgive our friends and acquaintances for one thing — they really aren’t trying to hurt us. And then, we need to take care of ourselves.

Know that it is completely normal to feel bad even when everyone else is happy. Know that it is just as completely normal to feel happy about the holiday, even while missing our loved one. Know that while some celebrations may have pre-designed methods of celebration, there are often choices. When there are choices, it can help to either do things exactly as was done in the past — or to make changes. Make the choice that helps you. Your Grandma may have always fixed ham with raisin sauce, as mine did. It can be either comforting or distressing to do the same thing now that she is gone. Think about what you’d like to do. What will make you feel better? Then choose those things that are best for you.

The first year is the most difficult — it is a time of creating a “new normal.” It is also a time of remembrance.

Celebrate the love you have for the one you have lost. Celebrate the love they have for you. And remember to celebrate yourself. May you find peace during this season.

Rev. Linda Rounds-Nichols, a bishop in the Church of Antioch, and a student of inter-faith ministry, provides pastoral care and spiritual direction, advocates for acceptance of the religion of all people, and is especially interested in helping women connect with their own special spiritual issues through an investigation of Womyn’s Spirituality.

This column is written by area residents, representing different faith communities, who share their ideas about bringing a spiritual perspective into our daily lives and community issues. For information about contributing a guest column, contact Elizabeth Hardin-Burrola at The Independent: (505) 863-6811 ext. 218 or lizreligion01@yahoo.com.